this week’s trifecta of manly, manly films
| manly, manly movie |
Deliverance |
The Thing |
Predator |
| year |
1972 |
1982 |
1987 |
| director |
John Boorman |
John Carpenter |
John McTiernan |
| the all-male group of manly men |
suburban outdoorsmen |
antarctic researchers and support staff |
mercenaries (but, you know: good guy mercenaries) |
| biome |
Appalacia |
the antarctic |
central american jungle |
| ultra-macho alpha male |
Burt Reynolds |
Kurt Russel |
Arnold Schwarzenegger |
| most ludicrously macho action of leader |
bow fishing, talking like a survivalist |
blows up the entire fucking base, while growing a manly, mountain-man beard |
everything. every goddamn thing he does. |
| far less macho guy who almost dooms them all by cracking under pressure |
Ned Beatty |
Wilford Brimley |
Bill Duke |
| the initial threat that turns out not be too much of a threat |
blister-inducing banjo duels |
Norway |
vaguely-defined Central American guerrillas |
| the actual threat |
inbred rapists, the incompatibility of macho values with modern society |
freaky alien shapeshifters |
freaky alien trophy hunter |
| the internal threat |
indiscriminate cathartic murder, bad lying skills |
freaky alien shapeshifter |
the CIA, in the form of ace spy Carl Weathers. also, insufficient machoness. |
| good-guy survival rate |
75% (but they’ll carry those scars forever…) |
0% |
Arnold |
| bad-guy survival rate |
50% |
0% (maybe) |
0% (probably) |
| innocent people killed by the good guys |
1 |
at least 3 |
none, but they do accidently kill a pig |
| female speaking roles |
2 (but blink and you’ll miss them) |
0 |
1 |
| future US State Governors in cast |
0 |
0 |
2 |
| message |
stick to the suburbs, city boy, because poor people probably want to tie you up and make you squeal like a pig |
there is no problem that can’t be overcome with science, logic and generously-applied explosives |
big guns and big muscles are cool. also, don’t trust Carl Weathers. |
| inane IMDB message board threads inspired by the film |
“Ned Beatty kinda deserved to be buggered” |
“other woman-free movies?” |
“Do Predators lay eggs or bear live young?” |
| overall manliness levels |
moderate |
high |
extreme |
This was written by
Eric, your haikuist. Posted on
Sunday, March 16, 2008, at 11:23 am. Filed under
moviereview. Bookmark the
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2 Comments
The Haiku Factory is revving back up, I see. Truly excellent.
Now remind me – why have I seen zero of these three films?
Truly delightful and very funny! The critics are raving 🙂