| manly, manly movie | Deliverance | The Thing | Predator |
|---|---|---|---|
| year | 1972 | 1982 | 1987 |
| director | John Boorman | John Carpenter | John McTiernan |
| the all-male group of manly men | suburban outdoorsmen | antarctic researchers and support staff | mercenaries (but, you know: good guy mercenaries) |
| biome | Appalacia | the antarctic | central american jungle |
| ultra-macho alpha male | Burt Reynolds | Kurt Russel | Arnold Schwarzenegger |
| most ludicrously macho action of leader | bow fishing, talking like a survivalist | blows up the entire fucking base, while growing a manly, mountain-man beard | everything. every goddamn thing he does. |
| far less macho guy who almost dooms them all by cracking under pressure | Ned Beatty | Wilford Brimley | Bill Duke |
| the initial threat that turns out not be too much of a threat | blister-inducing banjo duels | Norway | vaguely-defined Central American guerrillas |
| the actual threat | inbred rapists, the incompatibility of macho values with modern society | freaky alien shapeshifters | freaky alien trophy hunter |
| the internal threat | indiscriminate cathartic murder, bad lying skills | freaky alien shapeshifter | the CIA, in the form of ace spy Carl Weathers. also, insufficient machoness. |
| good-guy survival rate | 75% (but they’ll carry those scars forever…) | 0% | Arnold |
| bad-guy survival rate | 50% | 0% (maybe) | 0% (probably) |
| innocent people killed by the good guys | 1 | at least 3 | none, but they do accidently kill a pig |
| female speaking roles | 2 (but blink and you’ll miss them) | 0 | 1 |
| future US State Governors in cast | 0 | 0 | 2 |
| message | stick to the suburbs, city boy, because poor people probably want to tie you up and make you squeal like a pig | there is no problem that can’t be overcome with science, logic and generously-applied explosives | big guns and big muscles are cool. also, don’t trust Carl Weathers. |
| inane IMDB message board threads inspired by the film | “Ned Beatty kinda deserved to be buggered” | “other woman-free movies?” | “Do Predators lay eggs or bear live young?” |
| overall manliness levels | moderate | high | extreme |
Category: moviereview
The Haiku Factory is revving back up, I see. Truly excellent.
Now remind me – why have I seen zero of these three films?
Truly delightful and very funny! The critics are raving 🙂