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this week’s trifecta of manly, manly films

manlytrifecta.jpg

manly, manly movie Deliverance The Thing Predator
year 1972 1982 1987
director John Boorman John Carpenter John McTiernan
the all-male group of manly men suburban outdoorsmen antarctic researchers and support staff mercenaries (but, you know: good guy mercenaries)
biome Appalacia the antarctic central american jungle
ultra-macho alpha male Burt Reynolds Kurt Russel Arnold Schwarzenegger
most ludicrously macho action of leader bow fishing, talking like a survivalist blows up the entire fucking base, while growing a manly, mountain-man beard everything. every goddamn thing he does.
far less macho guy who almost dooms them all by cracking under pressure Ned Beatty Wilford Brimley Bill Duke
the initial threat that turns out not be too much of a threat blister-inducing banjo duels Norway vaguely-defined Central American guerrillas
the actual threat inbred rapists, the incompatibility of macho values with modern society freaky alien shapeshifters freaky alien trophy hunter
the internal threat indiscriminate cathartic murder, bad lying skills freaky alien shapeshifter the CIA, in the form of ace spy Carl Weathers. also, insufficient machoness.
good-guy survival rate 75% (but they’ll carry those scars forever…) 0% Arnold
bad-guy survival rate 50% 0% (maybe) 0% (probably)
innocent people killed by the good guys 1 at least 3 none, but they do accidently kill a pig
female speaking roles 2 (but blink and you’ll miss them) 0 1
future US State Governors in cast 0 0 2
message stick to the suburbs, city boy, because poor people probably want to tie you up and make you squeal like a pig there is no problem that can’t be overcome with science, logic and generously-applied explosives big guns and big muscles are cool. also, don’t trust Carl Weathers.
inane IMDB message board threads inspired by the film “Ned Beatty kinda deserved to be buggered” “other woman-free movies?” “Do Predators lay eggs or bear live young?”
overall manliness levels moderate high extreme

2 Comments

  1. The Haiku Factory is revving back up, I see. Truly excellent.

    Now remind me – why have I seen zero of these three films?

    Monday, March 17, 2008 at 8:17 am | Permalink
  2. Abhi wrote:

    Truly delightful and very funny! The critics are raving 🙂

    Friday, March 21, 2008 at 9:38 am | Permalink